So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
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