It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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