I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
