Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
