We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
