If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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