if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
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