Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
