I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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