I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
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explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
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At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
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