NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
