Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
