Kareoke will never be a sober sport
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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