my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
