There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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