i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
