like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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