I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
