theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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