Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Randomize
