never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
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Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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