my phone needs a breathalizer
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
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You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
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Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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