I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
