i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
