Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
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