I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
