Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
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He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
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Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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