well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
The cops high fived after they tackled you
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
