shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
