cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
