Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
