fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
