I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
