my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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