You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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