I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
