Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize