Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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