Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
