i wish starbucks made bloody marys
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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