sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
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Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
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