She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
being pregnant is like rehab
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
