Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
