I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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