Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
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