; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
