Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize