Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
