Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
