My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
