You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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