Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
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Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
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what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
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