connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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