a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
why do cheetos always look like penises
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
