is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
